The User's Guide and Manual to Count Dooku
by Derek Metaltron
Summary: Inspired by a number of similar fics; Congratulations and thank you for your fine purchase of a Count Dooku Unit! Please read in order to get maximum fulfilment from your aged Sith Apprentice!


**The User Guide/Manual to the Count Dooku Unit**

**Copyright Aging but Still Awesome Actors Ltd**

_Thank you for your purchase of the Count Dooku Unit! With these simple to follow instructions you can ensure a safe and enjoyable usage of this aged Sith Apprentice. Please be advised to follow these steps to maintain safety and security, not only for the unit, but for yourself!_

**Technical Specifications**

Name: Count Dooku

Type: Human Serronian (Male)

Manufacturers: Dissatisfied Jedi Corp

Height: 1.93 Meters

Weight: 175 lbs

**Accessories**

Your Count Dooku Unit will be sent to you as soon as possible and comes complete with curved lightsaber, fine robes, beard groomer, a sleek Sun Skimmer for usage in a quick escape, a set of top of the line Super Battle Droids, one cowardly Neimoidian and everything else needed to start a revolution across the Galaxy. Additional Sith replacements, Bounty Hunter allies and Death Star Plans will need to be purchased separately.

**Operating Instructions**

Your Count Dooku Unit has been designed to be resourceful and relatively loyal to those of a darker disposition. Aside from a surly manner and perfect for women who enjoy Silver Foxes with a touch of class and evil, your Dooku Unit has several other practical uses.

_Expert Politician_

Are old, tired Republic ways proving too decadent, corrupted and meaningless? Your Dooku Unit is capable with enough support of ensuring that at least ten thousand star systems join your worthy cause to start with.

**Note:** Your Dooku Unit cannot persuade the Padme Unit as she is too far gone in the Republic's lies and collapse. The Kenobi Unit can only be persuaded if your Dooku Unit has the Qui-Gon Unit to back him up, but this is unlikely as it requires undoing the Phantom Menace Termination settings built extensively into the latter Unit.

_Master Swordsman_

Pesky Jedi Apprentices getting in the way of escape? Your Dooku Unit can easily overcome them with his extensive saber skills and graceful style of combat.

**Note:** The Grievous and Ventress Units can be trained by the Dooku Unit with the Arts of Swordplay subroutine and may become almost as skilled as their teacher. The Yoda Unit may prove too powerful for the Dooku Unit, so a combination of the Contest of Mastery of the Force Mode, Lightsaber Defence and Surprise Cheating Mode might be required.

_Skilled Orator_

Your henchmen seeming too stupid to your own genius in comparison? The Dooku Unit is superior to virtually every Sith Apprentice Unit in this regard, sparking off witty one-liners through the This Actor Still Has It Mode and giving your enemies a rival in the Smarmy Comments Routines, leading to slip ups and feelings of failure for inexperienced Jedi Units, particularly when your Dooku Unit is in You Failed, Jedi Mode.

**Cleaning**

Dooku Units are fully capable of cleaning themselves, they are after all built with the Count Class subsystems and didn't complain or cry when created, were made to take care of others and don't expect others to take care of them, particularly in the cleaning department.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

**Q:** I'm hearing weird, soulful music sung by a woman whenever my Dooku Unit is speaking, but when I look around no one is there. Why does this happen?

**A:** Your Dooku Unit is most likely connected to the John Williams hook-up and has entered Everything Is Going As Planned Mode, and is most likely conversing with the Darth Sidious or Asajj Ventress units, whom your Dooku Unit is probably speaking to by hologram. To switch off the music, locate a Jedi Unit to have counter Light Side Music, or else order your Dooku Unit to enter This Was Not Expected Mode. Be aware that the presence of a General Grievous Unit in the same area can cause conflicting Dark Side Music to be heard. Under no circumstances have the Dooku Unit _and_ the Grievous Unit be in the same area as the Darth Maul Unit all at once; not only will this cause a 'Time Paradox' override but the John Williams hook-up will explode from an overload of Dark Side Music.

**Q: **Twin sets of Jedi Units keep attacking my Dooku Unit! How can I match against that?

**A:** Your Dooku Unit can deal with these threats with ease; simply set him to Experience True Swordsmanship Mode. For Kenobi and Skywalker tag teams, it may also be useful to use Twice the Pride, Double the Fall Mode as a failsafe.

**Q:** I'm thinking that my Ventress Unit might be a suitable 'partner' for my Dooku Unit but it doesn't seem to want to do that. Why is this?

**A:** All Dooku Units are historically programmed with the Nod Betrayal subroutine and thus are wary of friendship and attachment in this manner even though they have embraced the Dark Side servers. You will have to deactivate this subroutine to allow for a more physical relationship with the Ventress Unit, though this may cause a 'Fanfiction Attack' overload if not careful.

**Q:** Someone ate all the cookies in the Cookie Jar and I suspect it was my Dooku Unit.

**A:** Impossible. Dooku would not eat the cookies without your approval; it is not in his character. He is a political idealist, not a cookie stealer. Perhaps it was your Nute Gunray Unit, he is mean and cowardly.

**Q:** My Dooku Unit is wearing white capes and growing long white hair, carries a long staff instead of a lightsaber and keeps staring at me with wild wide eyes. Is something wrong?

**A: **You most likely have been sent a Saurman Unit of the Tolkien Line by mistake. You are perfectly free to send it us back so we can replace him with a Dooku Unit. Please be advised that if you don't and use the Saurman Unit against other Star Wars Units that Magic and either side of the Force do not mix unless the 'Crossover Complex' is activated through all Units present. Please also contact us if your Dooku Unit starts carrying a Golden Gun, attempts to bite your Tarkin Unit on the Neck, builds fifty foot wooden pagan statues or berates Chocolate Factory Owners for their teeth quality as these are also likely to be incorrect Units, or else your Dooku Unit is suffering from a Christopher Overacting Virus.

**Q:** My Count Dooku Unit's hands are missing! What's happened?

**A:** Clearly your unit has had a run-in with the Anakin Skywalker on the Verge of the Dark Side Unit, who in turn has been manipulated by the Traitorous Chancellor Palpatine Unit. We suggest moving your Unit as quickly away from the Anakin Unit as possible, no matter how much your Unit has been looking forwards to this, or you may find your Unit's head will be missing also. We cannot be held responsible for any vast shifts in allegiances to the Dark Side by other units which lead to the termination of the Dooku Unit.

**Final Notes**

We at Aging but Still Awesome Actors Ltd cannot be held responsible if a Palpatine Unit elects to screw your Dooku Unit over and replace him with a younger, stronger Sith Apprentice or Fallen Jedi Unit. We hope you enjoy your Dooku Unit; he certainly has been looking forwards to this.


End file.
